Friendship and What It Means
This journal is in reference to Moonfall’s most recent journal about friends and friendship. For me these sorts of questions, ones pertaining to friends and friendship, are answered completely differently than what, in my experience, most people might come up with. But, in order to get a true accounting of my idea on this topic, I think I need to give a little history first.
Yes my dad was in the air Force...so in theory we moved quite a bit. But after I was born we moved three times in my life. But I never "fit in" with the town we settled in. Like Moonfall, I lived in a small town and had to fight for friendships of any kind. It wasn't until I had completely given up on trying to make friends that I developed a few...one of which has lasted through today. The result was that everyone knew me...I would like to think respected me...but no one was a friend.
The main difference between Moonfall’s town and mine was that people were expected to leave my home town and then come back instead of just staying there their whole life. Which is what everyone did, they left. My senior year in high school I was asked more times than I care to remember, "So where are you going to go when you get out of school." Occasionally it was mated with, "I look forward to hearing about it when you come back." This really unnerved me. Mainly because the town was a dive and the only real economy was the Air Force.
Since then, I joined the Army...and lost two good friends in an "accident". Lost the third to "non-communication"...basically put he didn't want me in his life because I was a social pariah...
After that I went to school...In the five years I was attending the chosen university...I managed to have many great friends, all of which I wound up outside of their lives within a year or two. Not because I moved or they moved, but because they no longer wished to associate with me.
I spent many long hours trying to determine the why of this. I wasn't a jerk to any of them that I can remember...in fact I was always there for them when they needed me...still am to this day if they would ask...the only thing that I could figure was that they were not ready to accept the responsibility of friendship.
I know that sounds odd...but being a friend is a choice and that choice, like many others, brings with it a staunch responsibility. This responsibility is to be there for your friend when they need you. It isn't hanging around them when it is convenient...but when needed. It requires a sacrifice.
I am not saying that friends come before your own life goals...but they should come close. I know that if I have plans for an evening...concert, movie, diner, etc...and a friend called me distraught...there would be no choice. I am there for my friend. If I even hear that a friend of mine needs help...or is depressed...or just needs someone to listen....I am there for them.
I have, unfortunately, also determined that this does not hold true for everyone. There have been too many times in my past in which I have experienced the sting of friends not being there. Not just one time, but every time. The support group that I attempted to build so painstakingly would crumble at the first hint of strife. These occurrences not only disparaged me...but made me realize that I cannot hold others up to my standards. If I did, none would meet it. Heh...sometimes I don't meet the standards...but ultimately they made me think that there was nothing that would last and that people were unable to show the level of commitment that I thought should exist.
This probably sounds one sided...so before I go on, I need to mention the fact that there were, and have always been, people in my life that seem to live just to prove my theory wrong. One of them is Mr. Trees (alias used for anonymity reasons). No matter how much time passed with no little to no contact, mostly being no contact for periods that ranged over a couple of years, Mr. Trees has always been there when I needed him to be. He would call out of the blue after a stint of no contact for over a year just when I needed a friend and all of my others were "not available".
Since I realized that there were people like that I have tried to find them and surround myself with them. To some extent it ahs worked...but to others it has not. So far I think I have amassed a small handful that at least meets my high standards most of the time....for all of those that don't...well...let's just say that my time is better spent elsewhere.
Yes my dad was in the air Force...so in theory we moved quite a bit. But after I was born we moved three times in my life. But I never "fit in" with the town we settled in. Like Moonfall, I lived in a small town and had to fight for friendships of any kind. It wasn't until I had completely given up on trying to make friends that I developed a few...one of which has lasted through today. The result was that everyone knew me...I would like to think respected me...but no one was a friend.
The main difference between Moonfall’s town and mine was that people were expected to leave my home town and then come back instead of just staying there their whole life. Which is what everyone did, they left. My senior year in high school I was asked more times than I care to remember, "So where are you going to go when you get out of school." Occasionally it was mated with, "I look forward to hearing about it when you come back." This really unnerved me. Mainly because the town was a dive and the only real economy was the Air Force.
Since then, I joined the Army...and lost two good friends in an "accident". Lost the third to "non-communication"...basically put he didn't want me in his life because I was a social pariah...
After that I went to school...In the five years I was attending the chosen university...I managed to have many great friends, all of which I wound up outside of their lives within a year or two. Not because I moved or they moved, but because they no longer wished to associate with me.
I spent many long hours trying to determine the why of this. I wasn't a jerk to any of them that I can remember...in fact I was always there for them when they needed me...still am to this day if they would ask...the only thing that I could figure was that they were not ready to accept the responsibility of friendship.
I know that sounds odd...but being a friend is a choice and that choice, like many others, brings with it a staunch responsibility. This responsibility is to be there for your friend when they need you. It isn't hanging around them when it is convenient...but when needed. It requires a sacrifice.
I am not saying that friends come before your own life goals...but they should come close. I know that if I have plans for an evening...concert, movie, diner, etc...and a friend called me distraught...there would be no choice. I am there for my friend. If I even hear that a friend of mine needs help...or is depressed...or just needs someone to listen....I am there for them.
I have, unfortunately, also determined that this does not hold true for everyone. There have been too many times in my past in which I have experienced the sting of friends not being there. Not just one time, but every time. The support group that I attempted to build so painstakingly would crumble at the first hint of strife. These occurrences not only disparaged me...but made me realize that I cannot hold others up to my standards. If I did, none would meet it. Heh...sometimes I don't meet the standards...but ultimately they made me think that there was nothing that would last and that people were unable to show the level of commitment that I thought should exist.
This probably sounds one sided...so before I go on, I need to mention the fact that there were, and have always been, people in my life that seem to live just to prove my theory wrong. One of them is Mr. Trees (alias used for anonymity reasons). No matter how much time passed with no little to no contact, mostly being no contact for periods that ranged over a couple of years, Mr. Trees has always been there when I needed him to be. He would call out of the blue after a stint of no contact for over a year just when I needed a friend and all of my others were "not available".
Since I realized that there were people like that I have tried to find them and surround myself with them. To some extent it ahs worked...but to others it has not. So far I think I have amassed a small handful that at least meets my high standards most of the time....for all of those that don't...well...let's just say that my time is better spent elsewhere.
posted by darkjag at
1:56 AM
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